To see more in this series “My Single Girl Story {Navigating COVID-19}”, click here.
Is it just me, or are there an overabundance of people creating the most perfectly curated Instagram feeds right now?
They’re exquisitely filtered, and with super long messages of positivity and strength, associated with that perfect “effortless” picture above the words. Sigh.
I know in my heart that I don’t want a perfect feed, but it gets me comparing my imperfect reality to what’s happening on the internet. And, frankly, I just can’t today.
BTW: I’m on vacation this week. The strangest of all timing, but it’s true.
This morning, after I finally crawled out of bed at 1130am, I decided to not do something I said I was going to do today. I didn’t take a shower. Now, real talk… I took a swim in the tub last night, but I was looking more for the scrubbing, hairwashing experience to happen today. That was on my goal sheet for the day, and y’all, I’m not doing it.
Instead, I put on my standard black uniform: Black leggings, black top, and black sports bra, and now I’m going to attempt to crush this day. I’ve got a masked walk on my list, some meditation, a phone call to a company who shipped the wrong products to me, and a goal of not eating all the foods today. I also thought writing might be a good place to spend some time. I’ve got a bunch of fun recipes queued up that I’d like to share.
But today, this topic seemed more important: Navigating the Unexpected
I’ve been writing about quarantine and how I’m surviving it, but there’s a bigger story that’s been unfolding that I’ve been trying to put into words. Part of it is me facing the reality of the situation, and another is knowing that this community is built on moments of truth, moments of vulnerability.
21 days into quarantine, I started a new job within my company. Super excited to try something new (yet, slightly afraid of the timing), I put on my cape and ran toward the shiny new opportunity that was ahead. I did all the things. I introduced myself to people, I set up trainings, I put all my new employees’ birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar, and I updated my Linked In. Everyone I know came out of the woodwork to congratulate me and wish me well on this new adventure.
I was walking on clouds when I got a note that our head of sales wanted to meet with little ol’ me. Excited to build a relationship with him and seek his counsel, I took a shower and prepped for that zoom call.
Two minutes into the non-video call, I knew that it was not the call I expected. Within 5 minutes, I was told that this shiny bright new job that I had started 36 hours ago had been eliminated.
There’s no good way to deliver news like this. There’s just not. My executive leader was super nice about it, as nice as he could be. As for me, I pretty much blacked out completely after he told me the update. There was nothing he could say from that moment that made any sense after hearing: the company no longer needed me to do the job I was hired to do.
Here on the blog you see a piece of me, but what you don’t see is how wildly committed I am to my work. I’m as Type A, Enneagram 3 as they come. I build incredible teams. I build structure and order and consistency. I build teams that band together to do hard things, and we have fun along the way. When my teams grow and lean into greatness, I become their proud cheerleader, ushering them toward the podium to accept all the accolades that exist. I work hard/play hard. I thrive.
Considering that what I do for a living is a massive piece of who I am and how I show up in the world, you can only imagine how it feels when that goes away.
Losing your job always seems like something that happens to other people. Losing your job you realize {logically} could happen to anyone, but you don’t really know that until it happens to you. Let the record show: It can officially happen to anyone.
After a few weeks of searching internally for open positions (and finding very few available), I decided maybe this was the moment where I put on the proverbial “big girl panties” and seek out some of my wildest dreams. I’ve accepted a severance package, and I’m in the early stages of searching for an opportunity that will match my skillset and where I can truly make an impact. Two days into not working, I can tell you that it hasn’t shown up quite yet and if I’m honest, I’m not in the right frame of mind to find it.
When you’re not laser focused on what you want, it allows space for anything to show up. Even the things you don’t want. So what has shown up? An old coping mechanism that I thought I had banished forever: Binge Eating. I mean, what rude timing!! It’s been YEARS since I’ve had an issue with binge eating, yet amazing how it’s popping back up right at the moment where everything seems uneasy. Also know, I don’t really have much in my house to binge eat that you’d expect: There’s no cookies, no chips, no poptarts. I haven’t ordered takeout. For a pro-binge eater like myself, that’s totally fine. I’ll find things, and I have.
To me, it’s dually devastating that binge eating has shown back up right now. I’m at the lowest weight I’ve been in years. Until Saturday, I’ve felt incredible and truly felt like I was thriving in quarantine.
Now things have shifted, and I’m not so sure. I do love the fact that I’m not sure though and that the rest is still unwritten. It’s not definitely a nightmare, there’s still a way to crawl out… and I plan on finding it. I have to be able to find a way through the bad habits and raging anxiety that’s rearing it’s ugly head. I also need to emerge fiercely as a candidate for a great new job in the days ahead.
Fun Fact: I don’t have the answer for how I’m going to crawl out in the days ahead. This isn’t one of those posts where I write that I woke up the next day, worked out for an hour, wiggled my nose and everything was fine.
Here’s what I know to be true:
- I’m wicked talented professionally and I will find a new job that far exceeds anything I’ve done in the past
- Being laid off is not a personal decision. At no point did my executive team say, we’re going to crush Kelly’s dreams. They were looking at numbers and costs and made a very fact-based decision.
- What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – Kelly Clarkson
- I refuse to be a victim of what’s happened to me, and I need to get back to creating the life I want.
- I will stand up. I will stand up again and again as many times as I need to until I have the strength to keep standing through anything that happens around me.
- I might say no: to opportunities, to zoom happy hours, to things that don’t resonate to me. Just because I have the time and the space for things right now, I still have a choice. Those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
- I need to put my phone down and unfollow more of these “perfect” accounts. They’re just too triggering right now. No one (and I mean no one) in any quarantined home is living a perfect life.
- I needed to write this to remind me of who the f^@% I am.
Life is not for the weak, y’all. I also know that I’ve never been one to choose EASY. It’s not who I am. I read somewhere recently that choosing something because it’s SAFE is in direct opposition to choosing joy.
That will never be for me. Nope.
No safe route here, I’m here for the long haul.
When given a choice, I’d be foolish not to choose joy. Now, it’s time to rise up and go after it.
xoxo