So… let’s dive into that comment about fear a little bit more. I wrote these posts on the way home from my trip to Nashville, thus the pictures from the trip.
I mentioned on Monday that I’m just struggling right now. True Story: I’m coming up with all sorts of bright ideas these days.
Here’s the problem: I’ve got absolutely no plan for execution, so they totally fall to the ground. Like that confetti that was in a Valentine you received back in February…. and you’re still finding tiny hearts every once in a while.
Here’s the thing: I can execute a plan, like a champ. Professionally, I’m the queen of having a plan A with a plan B in the wings to assure success. I don’t fail. It’s not who I am.
And…. so…. well, that’s where the fear comes from. I’m afraid of FAILURE. Yep, I’m afraid that I’m going to go after this again and fail.
And, if I’m honest with myself, I know I’ve equated my gaining weight to failure.
I know that sounds harsh, but it’s what’s happened. And, it’s a belief that I’ve had in place for as long as I can remember. I learned that lesson WAY BACK when my mom put me on my first diet: Being heavy is bad. Being thin is good. Eating a brownie ice cream bar is bad, eating two is horrible and not what we do because “we are on a diet.”
Yep, nearly forty years of training has me believing that if I can’t lose the weight or if I fail: I’m bad. I’m unacceptable in some way. I’m not worthy.
Wow… writing those words just sucked a little bit.
So… I’m fighting fear. I’m trying to tackle that which has held me back for so long. And, while I’m SO INCREDIBLY far from where I’ve been before… I still have a way to go.
Sometimes, I tell myself: Well, I’m still down 50+ lbs, which is still ALL KINDS OF AWESOME.
And, then fear whispers in my ear: Not for long. Or even worse, mocking me for gaining back a few pounds. That guy is the WORST.
- I’m going to gain all the weight back, if I don’t make a change.
- I’m letting myself down, but I’m also letting all of you down who’ve rooted me along for years
- That I may just have to get used to being overweight. Maybe this is the best, I’ll ever be
- I’m not going to fit into my airplane seat.
- My success story is coming to an end.
- I’m going to end up in the dark, twisty place again… with a bag of Wendy’s in hand (throwback to the late 90s)
- I’m a horrible blogger because I don’t just perk up and post my weight and my 10-step plan to weight loss.
The story’s not over by any means, but this is just a peek at where the struggle is right now…
Know that writing releases it. And, that’s what we’re doing y’all… I can almost see the sunshine peeking over the mountains. Wait for it…