So… something crazy has been happening for the past few weeks. I may ramble a little here, but it’s important for me to get this out. Thanks for hanging in there…
By now, you guys know I lost the bulk of my weight on the Jenny Craig program. I joined in desperation. I joined to try something new, and thankfully, it WORKED.
Over the past year and I half, I’ve moved away from the Jenny program. I don’t eat their food as part of a structured Jenny Craig food plan, but I do work them into my weekly meal planning. I don’t do consultations with them on Saturday mornings anymore. Instead, I stop in just about every week to pick up food. There are several foods that have become staples to me, and from a convenience perspective, keeping them in my freezer makes sense.
My picky and always-in-a-morning-hurry self loves to pop the JC Cinnamon Rolls in the microwave in the morning before work. A breakfast that takes 27 seconds to make, is well… my kind of breakfast, especially when it has cinnamon and rolls in the title.
Regardless, I’ve found a way to maintain my weight by eating half on the program and half off. This makes it possible for me to grab lunch with customers throughout the week, while eating JC Stuffed Shells for convenience on the days when I’m in the office. For me, it’s a great mix.
So… something’s been happening when I’ve been doing my “grocery shopping” at my local Jenny Craig location on Saturday mornings. There’s a new consultant who’s been asking a lot of questions… and asking in a way that just hasn’t been resonating well with me.
“Can we get you on the scale?”
“Can you tell me exactly why you don’t come in for consultations?”
“Do you know your weight?”
“Are you formally on maintenance?”
This sounds like pretty normal chatter for a visit to a weight loss center… but the fact that she’s so insistent has been FLYING ALL OVER ME. That’s Southern talk for annoying the heck out of me.
Again, this consultant is doing her job. She is asking the questions she has been trained to ask. The questions that she’s been guided to ask to benefit her clients most… but to me, I’m reacting as though it is an accusation, an accusation that I need to do more, be more, and lose weight.
It’s been two weeks in a row of considering walking out of Jenny Craig forever, and even with thoughts of stomping out and leaving all those beautiful cinnamon rolls behind, I haven’t. In each situation, I avoided her questions (much to her dismay) and convinced her to just let me pay and go. In each case, I walked out, feeling defeated, head hung low, and just wanting to cry. Again, my reaction to this lady doing her job.
This week, I chatted with one of the other consultants regarding the situation… indicating that I was just wanting to buy food for now and asking if we could lower the pressure for a while. And, in that small little office, I started to cry again.
I hadn’t cried about my weight in some time, and it’s amazing that it always seems to happen in that same office. With the centre director when I joined, with Amalia (I’m sure I cried with her – love that gal!), and now again this week with Crystal. As I cried, the words that poured out were my truth (Cue the waterworks…): I’m tired. I’ve focused so hard for the past four years on losing weight, and I just want to be okay with living for a while. For now, living means I buy food to have on hand, just like I would at the grocery store. Some days I eat Jenny, and some days I eat Subway; other days I may cook a full meal at the house.
Crystal was AWESOME, and she totally got where I was at… and she told me to just let her know if/when I’m ready to try to lose again and she and the team would be happy to help. Love that response! Until then, she took my order for 7 cinnamon rolls and 4 stuffed shells, and I headed out.
When I look a little closer at my reaction, I realize the consultant who I struggled with for the past few weeks was simply verbalizing the things I ask myself every single day. I’m really trying to lighten up on myself in the area of self-criticism, especially in the area of weight loss. In these moments, it was like all my own thoughts and judgment were spewing out from a stranger, a stranger that doesn’t know how hard I’ve worked to get to where I am, and a stranger who had no intention of pushing my buttons like she did.
I wish I could just smile and step on the scale for her, but I just don’t want to right now. I’ve worked my butt off to lose 60+ lbs over the past four years… and one day, I’ll lose that extra 15 that I’m carrying that I have on my “to-do” list.
For right now, I’m filling my to-do list with things like making plans to see the Cartier exhibit that’s coming to Denver, planning a CAbi Party for later in the month, and knitting a capelet to wear when it gets cold. Eating healthy and losing weight are always on the list, but in all honestly, they’ve become a given, and are just how I live… frankly, they don’t even make the paper list anymore.
I absolutely know that there will never be a day where I can just eat anything in sight. That’s not who I am, nor what my body needs. I’ll always have to be cognizant of what goes in, and I’ve made peace with that… it’s the judgment I’m trying to curb, both internal and external, and man, it’s just not easy.
So, you too might have been wondering when I’m going to share my weight again or to talk specifically about weight loss. To be honest, I really don’t know. All I can tell you is that as soon as it happens, you guys will be the first to know… and that in the meantime, I’m working on maintenance and being nice to myself about it.
Thank you to each of you for (albeit virtually) standing beside me on this journey, for celebrating my successes, and listening to my woes. It’s all a part of the process… and the details are what make them real and what make the process continue. Even this specific moment contains learning, I just know it… xoxo