For the past several weeks, there’s been something I wanted to write about that I haven’t.
When you’re a blogger, writing quickly becomes your outlet. As a weight loss blogger, NTTC has become that space where I write about my struggles. Sometimes though, you encounter things that are so personal that you just can’t write about them. I really try to make sure that I’m not oversharing… especially when it comes to personal topics.
BUT then you hit a point, where you have to write something. You just have to… because it’s who you are, and afterall, it’s all part of the collective journey. So, here goes…
To say I’m careful with my heart is an understatement. I keep it very protected, formerly with about 80 lbs that hid it and now… it just takes me a while to open up.
Two weeks ago, I met that guy. You may have met him before. Heck, you’re probably still with him. The one that makes you want to behave differently, to dream big, to hope for all the things you don’t let yourself want or even look at. Those things that everyone else seems to have but you don’t. In this case, he was smart, funny, attractive, ambitious, and just about every adjective that I’m drawn to in a man…
Interestingly, I tried to run… and he saw that. He didn’t let that happen, pulled me back in quickly and reassuringly… To the point where I did what any girl does on the verge of something great, I stopped thinking with my head and let him in. I unchained the door, and let the wall down albeit slowly.
What’s crazy… is sometimes when you get what you want, it can be incredibly scary. I always think that. What I didn’t expect was for this amazing man who I was just getting to know to think the geography between us would be too much to handle.
Now, I’m sort of broken.
Yeah, I hear ya… how does someone get broken that quickly? I mean, it’s not like we had much time… but the abruptness with which it got “started” and the abruptness in which it all ended can shake a girl.
I’m broken because I believed and I let myself get into that space that I never travel to. I’m disappointed because I really liked who this guy was, and now I’ll never know the end of the story. And, in my heart of hearts, I know it would have been challenging, yet believe it would have been an amazingly beautiful story.
I’m really trying to believe that it’s happening as it should… but that optimistic girl who let down the wall still has the tiniest bit of hope which makes things even harder. I live in the real world, but without hope, who are we really? Afterall, it’s not like I feel that way everyday…
I’m not sure what to do now. Some have suggested getting mad. I’m not mad. He didn’t really do anything wrong. Some have suggested getting back out there and finding a replacement. I’m not really in the mood for all of that. I’m trying to keep a flurry of activity going… but believe it or not getting an oil change today really isn’t helping me take my mind off things.
How do you mend a wounded heart?
[…] already talked about the ever-so-slightly terrible awful that happened a few weeks back (Thanks, Hil, for the name). And, at the point where I wrote that […]