It’s been more than two years since I’ve adopted a healthy lifestyle…. but still my brain forgets.
They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, for something to seem normal. But, even after 930 days, there are days where it still feels like day one.
There are days where I feel like I’m living in a weight-loss pugatory, just waiting to transition to the next fabulous part of my life… when they say that maintenance is the hardest part, they’re not jokng!
Now, I’m not saying in ANY WAY that I’m unhappy. I am incredibly grateful for where I am and who I am. There are a few things that have lingered post weight loss though that I’m still working on.
After all, when it comes to weight gain, it’s never really about the weight…
Still Haunted by Emotional Eating
I’ve written about my emotional eating tendencies before here, but it’s literally how I’ve coped with my feelings all my life. I remember as a young girl eating ridiculous amounts of cookies, bread, crackers, or any other starchy/sugary treat I could find in the house. I mean, this is how I learned to cope and self-soothe as a child.
I still have times where I know I am emotionally eating… this weekend being a perfect example. Saturday, I ate pretty much all day. Pancakes for breakfast, a Mexi-Salad for Lunch, healthy Asian recipe for dinner… and a million snacks in between. The snacks I ate were much healthier that what I ate as a kid. I ate my weight in cucumbers and dip for example. Frozen yogurt, a little bag of pretzels, a Fiber One bar, a Skinny Cow sandwich… You get the point.
I wasn’t particularly SAD, but I know there was something I was feeding. Exhaustion, loneliness, boredom… pick an emotion. None of these foods really made it “feel” better… but they certainly helped the time pass.
I am thankful that I reach for these lower calorie treats, but gosh, I long for the day where I don’t even reach to begin with.
Still Struggling with Body Recognition
Even though I’m much slimmer than I was before, my brain still thinks I look like this.
As a result, it’s not uncommon for me to look in the mirror and be surprised by how an outfit looks or genuinely happy that I don’t look how I thought I did last time I looked in the mirror.
Just like before I lost the weight, pictures seem to be the most telling. They don’t lie. Sometimes it takes a picture for me to remind me that I’ve lost the weight I have, and when I look at pictures… I get it.
I Pause Every Day
This is something new. I pause. I’m so incredibly glad that I pause. I pause to reflect the impact of what I am doing every day. Whether that’s going to the gym when I’d really rather lay on the couch or make plans with friends to dine out, I’m pausing almost every day.
I love the fact that I’m thinking about the impact of my actions BEFORE I eat/workout/make plans. The old me was amazing at just criticizing the hell out of everything I did after the fact. Being terribly mean to myself thinking about the Chipotle burrito I just inhaled… or abusing myself with criticism as I threw away an empty bag of chips.
The old me doesn’t always like the decisions I make, but in the end, I try to consciously decide… as opposed to mindlessly devour.
I Have Few “Can’t” I Need to Let Go Of
I also think I still hold myself back in certain areas because in my head, I’m still morbidly obese. As an overweight young woman, I’ve never wanted to be in the spotlight. The idea of a crowd of people having a chance to see all my figure flaws used to scare the crap out of me. While I’m not afraid of people looking at me, that old habit is still there. I’m more comfortable playing a role in the supporting cast, as opposed to starring in the lead role.
There really is no reason for me to remain in this supporting cast, so I’ve REALLY started to try to step out of the “safe zone” I’ve lived in for 30+ years and take some new chances…
I truly need to begin working some of these old thoughts out of my belief system:
– I can’t run/workout/carry that/lift that/etc
– I’m not strong enough to do that (ex. crow pose)
– I couldn’t keep up in a Crossfit class
– He couldn’t possibly be interested in someone like me…
– I am not good enough…
The reader didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know… She simply reminded me of the need to get the heck out of my own way. Every day, I understand it a little more, I feel a little stronger, I face the beast slightly more.
Sometimes writing about it can be very therapeutic as well…. so, thanks for listening as always. xoxo