Throughout this journey, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I gained my weight and why I gained my weight and what my triggers are. I’ve said it before, but I really want to understand and overcome the reasons I’ve gained in the past and I try my best to face them head on.
When I think of success, I see it as arriving at the point where I’m eating to live, and not living to eat… Let me assure you, my journey to that promised land is far from over.
One of the things that I’ve come to know is that I have some challenges with food, specifically around the portions I consume. Even today, 81 lbs lighter… quantity remain my nemesis. Whether I’m counting points, maintaining a food plan, or trying to stay within 1200 calories a day, those are really just numbers. My motivation to eat is what I’m trying to come to terms with most.
See, my challenges are not associated with WHAT I eat, instead HOW MUCH I eat of it. When I have something I really like, it’s often hard for me to stop. Let’s take, for example, a simple bowl of pasta…. perhaps the Brussels Sprouts Prosciutto Pasta I shared a while back.
I share this pasta recipe because it’s reasonably healthy… and full of delicious vegetables and the perfect food for me to have issue with. Like most of what I make, this was a new recipe for me… and one that I didn’t expect to have such a flavor punch! It was FANTASTIC!
And… I had trouble stopping after just one serving. I wanted one more bit of pasta, one more spoonful of veggies, oh and maybe one more with that tasty prosciutto on it. Next thing you know, one portion had quickly turned into two.
I rationally understand that food causes our body to have a physical reaction and, often times, it is a pleasurable experience. To someone like me, once you have this type of experience, you want to have it again. You know logically that the food is going to hang out in the refrigerator and that you’re going to get to eat it again tomorrow. For someone like me, however, my body craves it NOW and wants it NOW. Depending upon the dish, how I’m feeling emotionally that day, and/or my level of exhaustion, my will power can vary from strong to downright weak.
Tonight, I made an AWESOME soup… and I measured out my serving and proceeded to “portion up” the rest, in hopes of me not overindulging. It worked tonight. Sometimes it does, and other times… it’s not so pretty.
The same goes for snacking. Snacks in my house have a short shelf life. If there’s a tasty snack in my cupboard, I’m probably thinking about it… and it vanishes fast. For that reason, I’m extremely strategic about what I keep in the house.
The good news is that I’m working HARD to keep everything in check. I’m making smart decisions, and I thankfully haven’t binged in a long time. The bad news is that it’s always there… lingering. Kind of like that Mayhem guy in the Allstate commercials.
I read a REALLY moving post last week that was written by Emily over at Fit and Free with Emily about compulsive eating. While I know that I am an emotional eater, I’m thinking more and more that I might be a compulsive eater as well. Emily has begun writing a series called “Life of a Binge Eater” that I HIGHLY recommend.
Emily’s posts are some of the most honest and brave articles I’ve read in the blogosphere for some time. While I feel like a lot of folks (myself included) don’t spend a lot of time talking about those dark moments, Emily dives in and shares her story… shining a light on binge eating and the emotions that fuel it. Powerful stuff, folks, seriously powerful.
It doesn’t happen often… but when I read her posts, I started crying because I could relate to them in such a powerful way. While her meals were different than mine and her commentary fit her personal situation, she was sharing the story of my life, the story that I’ve been too ashamed to tell. I vividly remember treating myself this way… and, like Emily, I absolutely never EVER want it to happen again.
I’m planning to do more research on Binge Eating Syndrome over the next few weeks and I’ll share back with you guys what I uncover. I think there’s a lot out there for me to learn, and likely a lot out there for me to relate to.
Ultimately, I want to thank Emily for sharing her story… for helping me realize I’m not alone in this and for being brave enough to share the details.
With that, I truly believe that the changes that I’ve made already are going to propel me to the greater understanding that I seek. I know that it’s not going to be easy to figure out how to overcome my challenges with eating, but I ABSOLUTELY know it’s going to be worth it. I have to believe that each and every day I’m getting closer to my goal of eating to live… I look forward to the day I’ve arrived.
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Great post. I love that you brought up the “eat to live, not live to eat” mantra. I will always live to eat, travel to eat, eat to eat, and figuring out ways to make that work for me is my battle. Thank you again for sharing! Have a great day!
Thanks, Angela! xoxo
Guilty as charged and professed binger who can at any moment be knee deep in it given the right triggers that I have come to know and counterbalance. Stress, sleep deprivation, lack of professional life balance, family dysfunction, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness, etc. all contribute to what can be a super ugly binge session. I have been binge free for 3 years and it is a bit strange you picked this to blog about because I have to admit I have been dangerously close to a binge in the last 2 months due to what seems to be an out-of-control time for my professional life so the binging gives me a sense of control and defense for controlling what I can. Dysfunctional eating is about control and it doesn’t help when it tastes so feakin good and triggers serotonin production that relaxes you in a carb induced medicated state of calm while inside your mind you hear “I’m a fat porky patty pig” for eating all that! Yeah I still struggle with this and I have a long way to go. I have found exercise, sleep, and keeping the foods that enable me out of the house effective. I’m looking forward to more blogs about this Kelly and thank you for heightenin my awareness about it because I have been somewhat ignoring the alarm bells that have been going off lately that could take my 100 lb weight loss away in a blink of an eye ;0(
We truly have a similar journey. Thanks for your supportive words, my dear. xoxo
I have so many things to write in response! Hopefully I’ll pull together my rambly brain and make a cohesive statement.
1) Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for all the kind words you said about me and my blog. It means so much to me! I never know if what I’m writing translates to anyone else’s world. While I’m sad that we have some demons in common, I’m thrilled that my writing reached you.
2) I think that there are many different varieties of compulsive eating. Everyone is a little different. I’ve gotten an insane amount of emails from people with all degrees, from overeating once a month to binge eating every meal. I think it speaks a lot about our society as a whole – we just use food to medicate feelings. You are far from alone. The more that we create a community of conversation, the more we can all learn from each other! <3
3) I love your blog! The color! Your layout! Everything! And you've lost HOW much weight?! Can we be friends, now?
I see that you're going to Fitbloggin. I can't afford to go quite that far this year, but you'll have a blast. Did you go last year? Did we meet and I totally forgot? (I'm terrible with faces/names). Also, you should come to Blend Retreat. 
xoxo – Em
I know both of you and KNOW you would get along famously. I wish you could come to Fitbloggin! I might just have to sneak you in my suitcase. OR you’ll just have to plan a road trip to Colorado with Calee.
I’m all in for a CO visit! And hey, at least the three of us will be at Blend Retreat!
Yes! Come to Colorado, for sure! I am actually not going to make it to Blend this year, but I’m going to be at Fitbloggin. I’ve got a busy, busy May unfortunately. The worst part is that it seems like all “my people” will be there! I’m getting tempted…
Gosh… I’m not sure where to respond.
1 – Your writing has reached many. I’m hearing from lots of other folks today that admire your strength. In other words, you ROCK!
2 – I need to read up on it more…. I really think there’s something there that I need to explore and likely a lot of resources that will help. It’s crazy, because I haven’t binged in FOREVER, but I think about it…
3 – How cute are you with your blog compliments? Thanks, dear! It’s just my little corner of the internet, I had to make it as “me” as possible. PS… I like to think we’re already friends. And, I did meet you at Fitbloggin, but it was incredibly brief. We sat in a session together… and did intros, but it was quick. No worries on remembering it. I’m in sales, so remembering names and faces is sort of what I do…
Can’t wait to read more about your journey and see you at Blend (if I go) / Fitbloggin (if you go)– You should!!!
I completely remember you know! We were at the same table and I was super preoccupied with my dying laptop. ha!
I’m going to pull every string I can to try and get to Fitbloggin!
*now. dammit.
Thank you for sharing this post! As a person who has struggled with binge eating and portion control for basically the past 5 years, I totally know what it’s like the go overboard and the horrible feeling after. For me, the hardest part of recovering from that is feeling overwhelmed about the future — I have to tell myself to take it one day at a time! And if I give in sometimes, like when I had a quesidilla yesterday, to stop right then and then not go and order more !! Being open and honest with yourself is also hard – but surrounding yourself with a great community of friends, family, and motivators is a big help. Thanks again for another great blog post!!
Hi Helen – I’m so glad you found this helpful. Ever since I read Emily’s post, I’ve been aching to say something… I think you have the right idea of taking it one day at a time, and not throwing it all away because of one binge. xoxo
Kelly, I LOVED this post. Like LLLLLOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEDDDDD it.
I’m so thankful for your open and honest approach to sharing this- it’s not easy! And I relate to you SO much.
I don’t know what it’s like to not revolve my life around food. I mean, I feel like to eat healthy, you have to constantly PLAN- and that takes up a lot of time and energy! It will always be a struggle. And like you- sometimes it’s really easy to be in control, and sometimes it’s not.
I’m pretty sure I cried the first time I ever read a post on Emily’s blog- actually, I think the first thing I ever saw on her blog was a vlog about her struggles. I love you both- and thanks for putting this out there!!
Awww… Thanks, Lauren. I seriously forget that you have been overweight before because you lead SUCH a healthy lifestyle now!! PS… I mean that as a MAJOR compliment. It’s sort of scary putting something like this out there. Thanks for the support! PS… Get here soon!!!!! xoxo
I have the exact same problem and I too read emily’s posts about BED and could relate so much, I also wrote a post about it. It’s very hard to control, but hopefully over time it gets easier
Hi Bailey… I hate that you too have to deal with this. While it’s comforting to know that I’m not alone, I hate that you have to go through it too. I’m going to have to find your post!
And we will be cheering you on the entire way and beyond! Though I have never been seriously overweight, I very much understand compulsive eating and the inability to just say no. No matter how full, full to sickness, you just can’t stop. I hope that we both find strategies that work for us to maintain our mental and physical health for our sake and those around us
Thanks, Susie. It’s definitely something that I’m going to live with, and hopefully, overcome! Thanks for the support, dear!
Back in high school I wrote a research paper on Binge Eating Syndrome. I remember feeling simultaneously relieved and yet angered at finally having a “name” to call what I think I have. I was angry because I felt that when most people mention eating disorders, the first things that come to mind are anorexia and bulimia. Yes, those are very serious diseases, but so is the converse of that – BES. Throughout my entire paper and all the research I did, I just couldn’t help but feel that BES didn’t get the respect it deserved. Almost as though people don’t consider it to be an actual eating disorder.
Happy to “see” you again btw!
This is the FIRST time I had ever heard of BES. It’s symptoms are definitely VERY real. I hate that people don’t consider it an eating disorder… especially knowing that I’m challenged by it myself! (Catching up on Hil comments tonight!)