reflection

It’s been more than two years since I’ve adopted a healthy lifestyle…. but still my brain forgets.

They say it takes 21 days to form a habit, for something to seem normal. But, even after 930 days, there are days where it still feels like day one.

There are days where I feel like I’m living in a weight-loss pugatory, just waiting to transition to the next fabulous part of my life… when they say that maintenance is the hardest part, they’re not jokng!

Now, I’m not saying in ANY WAY that I’m unhappy. I am incredibly grateful for where I am and who I am. There are a few things that have lingered post weight loss though that I’m still working on.

After all, when it comes to weight gain, it’s never really about the weight…

Still Haunted by Emotional Eating
I’ve written about my emotional eating tendencies before here, but it’s literally how I’ve coped with my feelings all my life. I remember as a young girl eating ridiculous amounts of cookies, bread, crackers, or any other starchy/sugary treat I could find in the house. I mean, this is how I learned to cope and self-soothe as a child.

I still have times where I know I am emotionally eating… this weekend being a perfect example. Saturday, I ate pretty much all day. Pancakes for breakfast, a Mexi-Salad for Lunch, healthy Asian recipe for dinner… and a million snacks in between. The snacks I ate were much healthier that what I ate as a kid. I ate my weight in cucumbers and dip for example. Frozen yogurt, a little bag of pretzels, a Fiber One bar, a Skinny Cow sandwich… You get the point.

I wasn’t particularly SAD, but I know there was something I was feeding. Exhaustion, loneliness, boredom… pick an emotion. None of these foods really made it “feel” better… but they certainly helped the time pass.

I am thankful that I reach for these lower calorie treats, but gosh, I long for the day where I don’t even reach to begin with.

Still Struggling with Body Recognition
Even though I’m much slimmer than I was before, my brain still thinks I look like this.

As a result, it’s not uncommon for me to look in the mirror and be surprised by how an outfit looks or genuinely happy that I don’t look how I thought I did last time I looked in the mirror.

Just like before I lost the weight, pictures seem to be the most telling. They don’t lie. Sometimes it takes a picture for me to remind me that I’ve lost the weight I have, and when I look at pictures… I get it.

I Pause Every Day
This is something new. I pause. I’m so incredibly glad that I pause. I pause to reflect the impact of what I am doing every day. Whether that’s going to the gym when I’d really rather lay on the couch or make plans with friends to dine out, I’m pausing almost every day.

I love the fact that I’m thinking about the impact of my actions BEFORE I eat/workout/make plans. The old me was amazing at just criticizing the hell out of everything I did after the fact. Being terribly mean to myself thinking about the Chipotle burrito I just inhaled… or abusing myself with criticism as I threw away an empty bag of chips.

The old me doesn’t always like the decisions I make, but in the end, I try to consciously decide… as opposed to mindlessly devour.

I Have Few “Can’t” I Need to Let Go Of
I also think I still hold myself back in certain areas because in my head, I’m still morbidly obese. As an overweight young woman, I’ve never wanted to be in the spotlight. The idea of a crowd of people having a chance to see all my figure flaws used to scare the crap out of me. While I’m not afraid of people looking at me, that old habit is still there. I’m more comfortable playing a role in the supporting cast, as opposed to starring in the lead role.

There really is no reason for me to remain in this supporting cast, so I’ve REALLY started to try to step out of the “safe zone” I’ve lived in for 30+ years and take some new chances…

I truly need to begin working some of these old thoughts out of my belief system:
- I can’t run/workout/carry that/lift that/etc
- I’m not strong enough to do that (ex. crow pose)

(Photo Credit)

- I couldn’t keep up in a Crossfit class
- He couldn’t possibly be interested in someone like me…
- I am not good enough…

When I had my cards read last month at Monteluci a, one of the key messages that I took away was that the only thing keeping me from having everything I dream of in life is… well… me.

The reader didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know… She simply reminded me of the need to get the heck out of my own way. Every day, I understand it a little more, I feel a little stronger, I face the beast slightly more.

Sometimes writing about it can be very therapeutic as well…. so, thanks for listening as always. xoxo

75-Pound Reward Redemption

Planning for Silence

So Long, Twenty Twelve

My Current Struggle

I’m struggling a little bit this week.

I’m having trouble with not feeling NORMAL.

You heard me: NORMAL.

Sometimes, I just want to go out to lunch with a co-worker and not feel a little guilty when I eat a few fried pickle chips.

One day, I want to feel okay accepting plans with friends that involves food and alcohol without first thinking about my weigh-in, what the impact will be, what I will be eating, etc.

I feel like this is what NORMAL people do. People who are CAREFREE… people who are LIVING.

The interesting thing: I know that the people who do behave as I’ve described to be “normal” in most cases aren’t trying to lose weight. They haven’t just lost 80 lbs. They’re not actively participating in a weight loss program.

Also, in reality… while they may not stress about what’s for lunch, about how they’re going to work off the breadsticks they ate, there are other things that worry them.

So, why do I compare myself to these people who clearly have different goals than I do?? Deep down, I know I shouldn’t… but I still do. I hate saying no to social outings, and frankly… I wanted to eat pizza this week.

So… I did! This week, I had dinner with Tiffany, and I did what I usually do… I led with a restaurant choice that has healthy choices. When she suggested we try Sexy Pizza… how could I really say no?? I mean, yes… I wanted to have pizza, and Sexy Pizza sounded delish!

Now, we ate pretty well. We split a salad (avoiding that cheese) and each ate two pieces of pizza. In my past, I would have easily devoured about 1/2 of that pie, but I just don’t eat like that anymore…

Even though that was pretty good, I felt horrible about it. For maintaining my weight, this meal is totally doable… but when I’m trying to lose, extra sodium and extra calories don’t typically lend to a positive weigh-in. Food guilt is the WORST.

On the positive side: I packed great snacks every day of the week and really stayed on track during the days. I even avoided a Chick-fila catered lunch… that’s impressive!

So… how did my weigh-in go? Well, I didn’t go. The scale and I had a disagreement on Saturday morning, and I just didn’t feel like going to Jenny Craig and talking about it. I knew what happened this week. I knew that I hadn’t been to the gym all week long. I hadn’t forgotten I ate the pizza, and I knew that I wasn’t in the mood to drive across town to rehash what I already knew.

So… I skipped the weigh in.

I decided to instead do what I needed on Saturday, and I decided not to compare it to what “normal” people would have done… or to what I “should” have done… I took the day off.

A Picnic Wedding and Positive Scale Numbers!

Letter from a Reader: Cheat Meals

A Lotta Newness