So… I’ve been thinking. Thinking a lot about a post I read this weekend about how you can feel abnormal when you’ve been on the weight loss hamster wheel for your entire life.
Reading Dacia’s post this week, I was once again reminded that this ride I’ve been on… well, it’s not exactly easy.
While I’ve lost and maintained a 65-pound weight loss over the past four years, every single day, I have to think about it. Every single day, I have to make “responsible” decisions. Whether I’m actively losing weight or not, my weight is dependent upon me making these “good” decisions. And sometimes, it feels exhausting.
I wake up in the morning (albeit reluctantly and somewhat grouchy), and it’s moments before I’m thinking about what I’m going to have for breakfast. Do normal people start planning their breakfast before they get out of bed? Either way, that’s how I roll…
Now, that sounds pretty easy, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. There are other options out there that I’m interested in too. A fattening booze-soaked brunch with friends? A big ol’ stack of pancakes with real peanut butter and maple syrup? Or even a quick run through the drive through for an old favorite?
On most days though, I power through, stick to my plan…. but remember, decisions like this need to be made 3-4 times a day, which is where the exhaustion comes in. And, the slip-ups happen.
Now, I know what you’re thinking… no big deal. Everything in moderation, Kelly. Yeah, I get it… but it’s almost like telling an alcoholic that one sip is ok. You’d never do that. I know you wouldn’t… so, why would you suggest the same of someone who struggles with food?
For most of my life I’ve been a binge eater, an emotional eater, and (while it’s uncomfortable to say) I have addictive behaviors associated with foods. All my life, I’ve loved eating in excess… when I wanted, what I wanted, and as much as I wanted. For the past four (almost five) years, I’ve been trying to break the habit. Some days it’s easy, some days…. not so much.
Through it all, I’ve learned my boundaries. While I know my boundaries, this is not to say I always respect them. In addition, I also know my slippery slopes… those foods that can turn a day sideways. To name a few: Chick-Fil-A, Cadbury Mini Eggs (yes, I had some this weekend. I’m so glad they’re gone), and chips and salsa. These are foods that start out innocent “in moderation” indulgences, but can very quickly become a problem, my problem.
It’s these crazy behind-the-scenes food issues that I don’t like to think about, let alone talk about… these issues make some days so difficult. They’re the one thing I wish I could get rid of, even more than the excess weight. And, I think about them every damn day.
So… here’s the hard part right now. Plain and simple, I want to lose those 15 lbs, but I’m not getting there right now. I’m just not.
I’m eating well… well enough to maintain my weight, but not well enough to lose what I want to lose in the next few months.
But here’s the million dollar question: Who really cares about 15 pounds? What happens when I get there? There sure as hell won’t be banners and balloons (unless I put them up)… and I don’t anticipate any life-changing epiphany. Mr. Wonderful, he’s not waiting there either. What am I expecting to have happen?
I often wonder if the bigger issue is that I’ve been on a diet my whole life. Again, every damn day since I was about 8. I was taught as a child that my weight wasn’t “good” and that it was something I needed to work on. Am I still trying to fulfill this childhood goal?
More than anything, I want to make a decision and just do it. I am tired of half-assing this weight loss program I’m on right now. I long for the energy to go after it with all my might… and to be proud of myself for achieving it.
So, for now… I’m going to take it one day at a time. And, I’m going to work on it EVERY DAMN DAY. And, you know what? I’m going to be doing it… and that’s something I’m going to be proud of.
It may take me two years to do it, but I’m going to do it.
So, hang in here with me… I’m working on it. I’m just learning about me along the way, stopping to smell the wildflowers, and taking the scenic route when necessary. But, I’m going to get there. We both are, and I can’t wait.