Sometimes, I Wonder…

It’s the end of the year, and we only have a few days left.

It’s time for me to get my list of resolutions together and reflect upon the previous year.  I love where I am at compared to last year.  I’ve lost more weight; I’ve gotten healthier.  Things in my healthy living journey are going well for the most part.

But still, I wonder…

Sometimes, I really just wonder what I’m waiting for. 

I know exactly what I need to eat to lose the last of my weight to achieve my Jenny Craig goal.  But, I haven’t been doing it for some time.  Yes, part of it is being comfortable and happy in my new smaller body, but at the same time, I think there’s something more.

I’m probably 13-15 lbs away from my goal now due to some holiday splurging, vacation eating, and those darn Lindor truffles that were in the breakroom today.  But that is SOOOOO close!  It’s within reach!

Since I was about 10 years old, I have been told I needed to lose weight.  I’m sure at that point, it was baby fat and precautionary… but I was always the one who “needed to go on a diet” with my mom for as long as I remember.  The weight really became a problem when I was about 14, when I moved to Tennessee.  That weight gain was completely fueled by emotional eating, as have been the majority of my gains over the years.  I learned to soothe myself with food at a young age, and kicked it up a notch in my teenage years and it was a perfect storm for me to reach one of my highest weights (and in turn, one of my lowest lows.)

All that being said… I’ve been trying to lose weight for 20 years now.

It’s what I do.  I lose weight.

I constantly try to make good eating choices.

I try to avoid chips and spoonfuls of peanut butter.

What exactly would I do if I didn’t have weight to lose?

Yes… I know this may sound crazy to some of you.  When I get to my goal, I celebrate, I maintain, I exercise.  I agree wholeheartedly.  I would most certainly do these things… but at the end of the day, I’ve been on a “diet” for most of my adult life.  Can I hit a point where I’m moving on to other things I want to accomplish?

When do I put this monster to rest?

Right now, I’ve picked out a cage for that pesky guy… and he kind of wanders around it.  He hasn’t gone in yet.  He dances around the entrance, but he just wont go in there.

It might even look like this guy from Weight Watchers a few years back…

I write about this today because it’s weighed on my mind heavily throughout the day… and I’m not sure I have an answer.  And, sometimes writing about it can be therapeutic for me.

Of course, it’s incredibly personal… but so is carrying extra weight.  It’s never about the cookies, it’s never about the chips.  It’s not about the food at all.  That’s just a symptom.

Rationally, I absolutely know that I should power through to 165… and that hitting that goal will be incredibly fulfilling.  I also know I have the ability to be incredibly happy where I am at right now for a very long time, if I let myself.

I still have a lot of questions to explore within, but what I know is that this story is far from over.  2013 will be the year where I come to terms with it, and the year I cage that beast.

More than caging the beast, 2013 is the year I set myself free….

Do you find that you are holding yourself back from reaching your goals (weight loss or otherwise)?

 

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Comments

  1. Marion says:

    Hey Kelly, It sounds like you are taken inventory during the remaining days of 2012. I think you hit the right note when you blogged that the journey is so “personal”. When the time is right, it will be right and it will come to you with such clarity. I have followed your blog for a while and I have seen such personal growth with respect to your lifestyle and journey. I think with every experience you learn a great deal and that is the most valuable aspect of your journey. What I admire about you greatly is your capacity to be able to recoginize that you want to splurge or make choices that are a tad outside of your healthier lifestyle and you go for it and then realign yourself quickly so that you address the issue before it becomes a slippery slope back to the person you so desparately have worked hard to move away from. I think this past couple of weeks have been the most challenging for me and I am hopeful as I get further away from the holidays, family, stress associated with said family and get back into my ‘normal’ routines things will settle down and I will manage much better than I have in the past week. I can’t wait to see what you have for your blog followers in 2013 as you never disappoint and I am thankful you are out there reflecting on things that we all need to be mindful of to keep us all on track. Hugs and Happy Healthy New Year

    • nothankstocake says:

      Marion – I find I always need to be taking inventory. Checking in on how I feel, what I’m eating and what my motivation is. I’m pretty sure this will be like this forever, but letting myself lose those last pounds is my focus for now. Thanks for (always) understanding!

  2. What a heartfelt & true post! We are truly our own worst enemies when it comes to achieving our goals. I know I want to make a change with work but am afraid of “what comes next”. We just have to keep the positive momentum up when it comes to making change. Good luck in 2013, you can do it ;)

    • nothankstocake says:

      It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this, but honestly… I wish I were. That way the rest of you wouldn’t have to struggle with it like I do! xoxo

  3. Jennifer C says:

    I can relate to this 100%!!! I always feel that I am able to get to a certain point on my weight loss journey, but I can never get to my goal weight. I feel it is the same way for me I have been losing weight my whole life and if I stop then what do I have left to do. Its a weird concept because as much as I want to get there what do I do when I get there. Losing and gaining weight is what I am good at. I need to break the cycle and get to where I want to be and stay there, and move on and invest my energy in other areas of my life. Your post really hit home for me thank you for sharing!!

    • nothankstocake says:

      In all the years of all of my dieting, I’ve never hit my goal…. and there are still so many other things I want in my life that I haven’t even begun to tap into. 2013 will be the year! I can feel it!!! (PS… Make it yours too! :)

  4. Katie H. says:

    I love the honesty in this post. Thank you for writing it!

    I think that for some of us, weight will always be a struggle. I am at a healthy weight now, but I work HARD to stay there. Sometimes, it feels like I work even harder to maintain than I did to lose it in the first place (which happened very gradually over the span of about four years).

    I’m not sure what I’m trying to tell you, other than that you should keep doing what you’re doing. You’re making great choices, inspiring others, and clearly have the right idea. You know what needs to be done. But I guess to answer your question about what life will be like when you get to your goal: it will be the same. You will still have a count calories, work out, etc. We can be very jealous of those people who are thin without doing those things :-)

    Good luck in the new year!

  5. Pam says:

    You arent alone! I feel like all I do is think and worry about food and focus on my weight. I’ve spent years dieting. I’ve come to realize if I could just do everything with moderation that maintaining my weight would be so much easier but for some reason I cant. Im an all or nothing kind of person. That means Im so strict with calories and workouts or nothing at all and it just plain sucks! Its the one thing in my life that I havent been able to overcome….yet.

    Thanks for sharing something thats very personal. It helped to remind me that Im not alone and its something I just have to keep trying at.

  6. Sorry for the delayed comment, I’m catching up on my google reader. Glad I clicked though because I am in the same boat. I feel like I have been letting go of my goals a little, especially recently. Though I’m rocking a vegan diet right now with only 3 weeks to go, I have been a bottomless pit of processed food and I can see it’s effects already. Is it the holidays? I’m not sure, but why I am doing this to myself!?! You are not alone! Same with the whole perpetual diet feeling. It was a tough pill to swallow a last winter when I realized I am one of those people that will always have to diet and watch what I eat. I wonder what it would feel like to just be at and stay at the weight I like.

    I’m glad you posted this. I have all the same thoughts and feelings. It’s nice to know I have others in the same boat as me.

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